Legend of Bullet
by Honhoning-Deruster
Summary: This is the pamphlet of Bullet's existence. Crack and Parody ahead, be warned. One Shot.


**A/N:** I really wanted to write something down, but college projects have been hindering me so much I'd lost my ability to write for a while. Seeing DarkOne post his own stories, and receiving a feedback from my review, however, resulted from me being kicked in the head for being too dumb. I chose this one to write first, because... it's been sitting on my phone for a while.

 **Credits goes to DarkOneBloodedge** for the **whole premise of this parody, since he was the one who started this idea in the first place**. Props on the guy. Check his story out, well, after reading this one.

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The world is filled with endless possibilities. There are a lot of universe, which are parallel to each other, some are the polar opposite of the outcome of such world. Nobody is fully aware of its existence. Those who fathom of its possibility, never got close on the solid lead to get to the whole truth. In the endless timeline, there was one who was barely visited because of how it was impossible to cross paths in the first place.

In this world, specifically in Kagutsuchi, people has worship the god of mercenary, a god that you can actually see in your own eyes, hear in your own ears, and feel in your own skin. The other two senses are barely used because you wouldn't be able to get that close to the god. Unlike the traditional devotion of faith in various religions, the people of Kagutsuchi built one huge statue of the god that was made of pure steel. Marbles, gold, and silver was sacrilege for the god. The statue was carefully built to mimic the living god, as the people of Kagutsuchi worship the two parts of the god's body in two different way: the god's left breast is worshiped as the god of love, whereas her right breast is viewed as a fire-breathing demon from hell. The living god of mercenary herself goes by the name Chuck Bullet, simply put, Bullet.

Many legends has told how Bullet came down from this humble land. Some are as lighthearted as she comes down to nurture Mother Earth and prevent it from dying. Others are too gruesome people have to pull that fact away from the general audiences, but Bullet wouldn't like that to happen. Instead of completely eradicating it away from the history books, it was written in in a code true worshiper could understand: Gaun Tlet.

The true reason how Bullet earned the title of god was very simple. In Ikaruga, the neighboring town of Kagutsuchi, there is an ancient legend that one day a child will be born from a dragon and vanquish evil from the land. Many families had copulate to scratch their luck on inheriting the legend. Few had protested that it was stupid and a waste of time, environmental resources, and overpopulation. They were all soon shut up when the person finally arrived. That person was not Bullet, but Bullet kill that person. Simply put, she deserves the title better than the unfortunate lad who didn't even lay a finger on her.

Of course, people need to be spirituality connected with Bullet, but Bullet has no time to tend to their needs. The god is a rather impatient one. The people of Kagutsuchi decided to build a symbol for the god of mercenary, which will be later used as a sign language for communication with the disabled people. The symbol for Bullet in sign language is a middle finger on fire.

Some people has compared her with the future Chuck Norris of another dimension, others dismissed the idea as non-existent. Bullet snatches a megaphone, climbs up at the Eiffel Tower, and whispered as soft as she can, "My name is Chuck Bullet. Isn't it obvious?!" It has been confirmed that Chuck Norris is the male-genderbent of the god herself.

The actual reason why Bullet resides in Kagutsuchi is because she is actually the President of the country. She's just busy roundhousing criminals in the face to even bother with the press conferences. The Vice President is more than happy to give her the facts without delay.

There are a handful of short skits regarding the god of mercenary, which are the people's greatest joy and asset towards tourists. It was simply published in a stapled pieces of pig skin titled "Chuck Bullet & Mr. Reaper", although Mr. Reaper barely made an appearance in the book because he was a mortal, and a rookie, and basically feared by people, dubbing him "Grim Bloodedge". Almost nobody likes Mr. Reaper, but Bullet herself considers him "a promising rookie", so he was included in the book anyway.

The following paragraphs are excerpted from the Ultra Mega Hyper Extended Edition of the book.

Bullet can stop time for up to two hours by thinking about pineapples. This has been proven by scientists as a fact. While a group of scientists are experimenting about the future of pineapples and how it can actually clean our body, Bullet murmured the desire of drinking pineapple juice. The watch stopped ticking, the clock stopped moving, the presence of time frozen. When the scientist gave Bullet a pineapple juice, she stopped thinking about pineapples. The time started moving again.

The reason why that happens because Bullet actually has no concept of time. If you go to her house you won't find a single clock. When you ask to leave because it's getting late, she stares at you blankly until you sit back down. The sun hasn't settled yet, even it was already past ten.

Curious scientists have wondered what is the texture of Bullet's hair. The god submitted a strand of single, tiny, body hair, much to her dismay of shutting the scientists up and to avoid wasting time. Bullet's body is ten times stronger than spider silk, and fifty times stickier than glue. The unlucky victim has to chop his two fingers apart because it was that strong. He will be missed.

Since Bullet is a woman, she still prefers herself being called a god. The name goddess is non-existent, too feminine and sexist for her, and basically degrades her literal nature. Those who dare morph her image with a skirt will be instantly cursed by being burned alive by their own body hair.

Since Bullet is a woman, a lot of male has lusted for her busty physique. Bullet can make a man orgasm by simply pointing at him and saying, "Booya." Kagutsuchi has one the world record of most sperm released simultaneously. Kagutsuchi has earned a Steel Medal, engraved to resemble a middle finger on fire.

If someone asks Bullet what her favorite song is, she roundhouse kicks them in the face until they beg for mercy. She then tells them that's music to her ears. Unfortunately, a lot of people are just too stupid to keep this in mind, so the god has to repeat the same process over and over and over again. Fortunately, Bullet never gets sick of her last song syndrome.

Bullet exists only because she kicked a man so hard that he flew back in time and fall in love with her mother. If that was confusing, it's meant to be confusing, because that's how Bullet is actually born... and why she's a god in the first place.

People slips up solid gas, and the god of mercenary was no exception. When Bullet farts, it smells like freshly baked cinnamon rolls. Those who have fart fetish will go through lengths just to take a sample of the air and keep it in their fleshlight for eternity. Now, almost everyone go through lengths just to have a sample of her fart because her farts not only smell nice, but her fart prevents cancer.

Bullet owns the greatest poker face of all time. It helped her win the World Series of Poker despite her holding just a regular Joker card, a Get Out of Jail Free Monopoly Card, a 2 of Clubs, a 7 of Spades, and a green number 4 card from the game Uno. It's totally legit to use for Bullet, but if you dare try to mimic her strategy, not only you're kicked out from the game, but your possession is instantly transferred as her own.

Bullet is actually the most venomous creature on Earth. Within three minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield. If you don't have a beard, or when you're a woman, her bite is so venomous you grow a beard just to get the beard rash.

Never dare try to one-up the god of mercenary. Someone once tried to tell Bullet that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made. Meanwhile, a kid once stole Bullet's hat and ran into an apple orchard. Bullet flew into such a rage that she accidentally invented applesauce. Blaming Bullet for your distaste towards the product will robbed you your ability to taste.

Also, never dare try to ask Bullet for salvation. A blind man once stepped on Bullet's shoe as he begged to see. Bullet said, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Bullet!" The mere mention of her name cured this man's blindness. Sadly, the first, last, and the only thing this man ever saw was a fatal roundhouse kick delivered by the god of mercenary. And that was only because it took Bullet an extra three seconds to wind up her kick before unleashing the beast.

Laws are stupid sometimes. Even someone as Bullet has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all Hierarchical Cities in order to legally wear pants.

When Bullets orders a booze and takes a shot, she never throw up. She only throw down. How is it performed? Nobody can live to tell the tale.

More proof that she is a god is that Bullet can squeeze apple juice out of a banana. Many people have tested it, and it was in fact, apple juice out of a banana. The same can be said with banana juice out of an apple.

Need the best hard-boiled egg as soon as possible? Bullet keeps one in the freezer. It'll turn into one in just a few minutes. The god has to make a "Boiled Eggs Day" to cater with the worshipers' desire for the perfect boiled eggs. The name has been later changed into "Halloween". Those who are born on October 31 are more than blessed to get a taste of the boiled egg. There was a certain vampire who politely declines the offer every time.

As seen live, Bullet can make an onion cry. With wailing noise, spilled tears, and running snot. Majority of the people take great care of onions as a result.

A lot of people had been confused as to why Bullet lack the obvious abs on her stomach. The answer was simple. All Bullet had to do is massage her stomach to hide her rock-hard abs from view. The reason? Nothing. She just love massaging her stomach to ease out the pain.

Biology books in Kagutsuchi has been known to be one hundred percent accurate, as the reason why giraffes only exist is because Bullet uppercut a horse.

In prehistoric times, where people lack the brain to prevent their impulse to act rashly, Bullet actually invented fire by punching a tree from frustration.

For the crop circles? There's no such thing as aliens kidnapping cows. Crop circles are just Bullet's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down. Seriously, if you're on the god's shoes, you'll be annoyed, too.

The devastating earthquakes are the costs of Bullet roundhousing a person to the ground. Live videos have recorded the tragic moment, and a constant reminded to never fuck around Bullet.

Those who are unfortunate are where watermelon juice comes from. It's made out of people's blood from their skulls. No matter how morbid that sounds, people loved the watermelon juice from Kagutsuchi, and they are even blessed to have a chance to try out what Bullet can make in the mortal world.

Rather than take showers, Bullet rides a nine-foot grizzly bear through a car wash. It's better than the regular bath, people become cleaner and healthier as they mimic the god of mercenary.

There are more in the book, but I'll let you grab a copy on your own accord. Remember to worship Bullet the proper way, or else you face severe consequence. The reason why this pamphlet even exist, is a story for another day. Studies had shown that there will be more alternate version of Chuck Bullet, but only Chuck Norris ever manage to fit her god's image.

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 **A/N:** Finally had written this one. Sure was a blast, only took me in one sitting for once. Hopefully, the planned sequel will be conceptualized soon... if I'm done tending with my college works.


End file.
